A Better Breakfast Sandwich

I know what you’re thinking, what the hell have I been doing, it’s almost Friday and no new post.  Well, I won’t lie to you, I’ve been having trouble finding inspiration to write.  Fortunately, that funk is in the past now, and I am once again inspired.  It all started the other day I was eating a run-of-the-mill sausage and egg breakfast sandwich from a fast food joint when I thought to myself, what is this flavorless stack of bullshit I’m eating?  Then it hit me, why not come up with my own breakfast sandwich?  I figured it would be easy to do as the fast food industry has set the bar pretty low, so I though, what the heck, I’ll give it a go.  The result is a better breakfast sandwich, and to have one, you don’t even need to leave the house.  In fact, depending on your living arrangements, you don’t even need to put on pants.

I’m going to level with you, this sandwich is not difficult to make, and it has been done before, but I have pretty pictures and a dry wit, so I think this article is worth the old once over.  To make it, you’ll need to secure the following items:

  1. Eggs
  2. Bacon
  3. Sausage (like Jimmy Dean’s, I like the spicy kind)
  4. Cheddar cheese
  5. English muffins
  6. Onions
  7. Fresh jalapeno
  8. Green pepper

Here is what you need to do to make it:

  1. Preheat your frying pan, or pans (I use one for eggs, one for bacon).  Medium heat works best.
  2. Prep all of your veggies and set them aside for later, this will help prevent cross contamination.
  3. Grate cheese and set it aside.
  4. Scramble two eggs and add your veggies plus some cheese to mix.
  5. Grab a half-inch hunk of sausage and mash it into an English muffin sized patty.
  6. Fry your bacon and sausage.  If you have two pans, start your eggs now too, otherwise, cook your bacon and sausage and keep it warm in your oven.
  7. Toast English muffin.
  8. Assemble sandwich.

That’s it, you’re done.  Its pretty easy really, and it is better than waiting ten minutes for a fast food joint to microwave you a shit-loaf with mystery meat.

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Pizza for Two

This recipe is a good one for couples, and it might even make for a good cheap date if you play your cards right and buy some red wine to go with it.  Just be certain that the wine is in a bottle and not in a box or a jug, and you drink it from wine glasses and not mason jars or coffee mugs.  If you don’t have wine glasses, go to Goodwill or Value Village and buy two (three if you are clumsy).  I digress.

To be honest, making this pizza cost a bit more than calling Dominoes, but is less expensive than pizza from a pizza parlor.  You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble (and potentially a lot of heart ache) if you just buy a pre-made crust.  Buy one like the Boboli crusts that are pre-cooked.  Don’t buy an uncooked one because you’ll probably fuck it up.  Most of the pre-made crust are kind of spendy, maybe $7.50 for two (but they come with sauce).  I know what you’re thinking.  “Fuck that shit!  For $7.50, I could just buy a pizza from Dominoes.”  I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying that if you buy a pizza from Dominoes you’re not getting laid tonight.  If you don’t want to get laid tonight, call Dominoes now.  If you do want to get laid, keep reading.

To make this pizza, you are going to need to secure the following items:

  1. Boboli or other pre-cooked pizza crust:  Boboli also make personal sized pizzas, so if you wanted you could each make your own personal pizza.
  2. Cheese:  You can buy pre-shredded cheese if you like, but I think that pre-shredded cheese taste like shit.  Instead I like to buy a small brick of each type of cheese I want on my pizza and grate it myself.  The cheese taste much fresher this way, and it keeps pretty well in the block form if you store it properly, so you can use it again later.  On my pizza, I like to use mozzarella (I buy Cheese Head string cheese for this because it is more fun to snack on), Tillamook pepper jack cheese, and Tillamook sharp cheddar.
  3. Sauteed garlic clove, or garlic paste:  Both are cheap and last for ever, buy both if you want.
  4. Butter or olive oil.
  5. Jumbo Olives:  Don’t buy pre-sliced, slice your own and save the rest for later.
  6. Red or white onion, or both.
  7. Green Pepper:  You won’t need all of it, so freeze the rest.
  8. Jalapeno:  If you like spicy food.
  9. Pepperoni:  Spring for the more expensive option.
  10. Sauce:  Unless you bought a Boboli crust, those come with sauce.
  11. Italian sausage:  You’ll have to fry it yourself, but it is worth it.  This one is optional.

Before you get started, you’ll need to get the following items together from your kitchen (or the dollar store):

  1. Cookie sheet
  2. Aluminum foil
  3. Cheese grater
  4. Paring knife
  5. Spoon
  6. Butter knife
  7. Paper towels

Follow these steps to make the pizza:

  1. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit.  DO NOT FORGET TO DO THIS!
  2. Pour a couple of glasses of wine
  3. Rock paper scissors for who grates cheese and who slices veggies.  Better yet, you do it and let you date watch.
  4. Grate Cheese.
  5. Slice up your veggies and store the extras.  I like to slice everything small and spread it evenly, I think the pizza eats better this way
  6. Cover your cookie sheet with aluminum foil.
  7. Remove crust from package and place on cookie sheet.
  8. Butter or oil your crust and add garlic.  You can just oil the edges if you want.
  9. Add sauce.
  10. Add your cheese in an even layer over the sauce.
  11. Place your pepperoni over the cheese, don’t get too carried away unless you want to make a real gut bomb.
  12. Throw a little more cheese on top.
  13. Evenly distribute your veggies over the pepperoni and cheese.
  14. Place in oven and bake for 11-13 minutes.
  15. Enjoy.  You should lights some candles and turn the lights off while you eat.  With any luck your date or significant other will be swept of their feet and intoxicated enough to get down to business a little later on.

Creamy Smoked Salmon Dip

This one might not be for everyone, some people just don’t like fish, and others just don’t like Catholics.  However, for those Ents who like smoked salmon, this recipe is hard to beat.  To make it, you will need the following:

  1. A sealable bowl
  2. A fork or potato masher
  3. Smoked Salmon
  4. Cream Cheese
  5. Garlic Salt

Once you have everything you need, follow these steps to make some Creamy Smoked Salmon Dip for yourself:

  1. Mix smoked salmon and cream cheese in a bowl at a ration of 1 part salmon to 2 parts cream cheese (eg. one ounce salmon to 2 ounces of cream cheese, or a ratio of 1:2).  I like to use a scale for this part.  Since this is Food For Stoners, I’m guessing you probably have a scale handy.
  2. Thoroughly mash the salmon and cream cheese with your fork.  Add just a bit of garlic salt at this point to enhance the flavor.
  3. Mash it.
  4. Mash it!
  5. MASH IT!
  6. Enjoy.

This dip goes great with wheat thins or ritz and some sharp cheddar cheese.  Also, it taste way better than any bullshit overly processed store-bought snack dip.

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Spicy 3 Cheese Pizza Sandwich

I came up with this sandwich when I was in high school, and I have been perfecting the process ever since.  The Spicy 3 Cheese Pizza Sandwich that is a simple recipe that is quick and easy to prepare.  Oh, I almost forgot to mention, it’s dank, dank as fuck.  To make a Spicy 3 Cheese Pizza Sandwich for yourself, you will need the following items.

  1. Oven:  Do not even think about trying to use a microwave to make one of these, it will just come out a big soggy mess
  2. Cookie Sheet:  I like to cover mine in aluminum foil, it makes cleanup a lot easier
  3. Stadium Rolls: You can use a different roll if you want, I don’t give a shit
  4. Butter or Oil:  Especially if it has bud in it
  5. Garlic:  Either salt or clove
  6. Pizza Sauce:  Use what you will, I’m not picky
  7. Pepper-jack Cheese:  I prefer Tilamook Cheese
  8. Cheddar Cheese:  Ditto on the Tilamook
  9. Mozzarella Cheese:  I prefer Cheese Head string cheese, it’s fun to eat
  10. Pepperoni:  I’d tell you what kind I like, but you’re just going to get the cheapest kind anyway
  11. Onions:  Chopped
  12. Green Peppers:  Chopped
  13. Olives:  Sliced
  14. Crushed Red Pepper

Here is how you put it all together:

  1. Preheat your oven to 325 degrees fahrenheit
  2. Place your bred on the cookie sheet
  3. Butter Yo Bread
  4. Add garlic
  5. Add pizza sauce
  6. Add cheese
  7. Add pepperoni
  8. Add a little more cheese
  9. Add olives, onions, green peppers and crushed red peppers
  10. Place sandwich in oven on middle rack
  11. Cook for 12 minutes
  12. Enjoy

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