Pizza for Two

This recipe is a good one for couples, and it might even make for a good cheap date if you play your cards right and buy some red wine to go with it.  Just be certain that the wine is in a bottle and not in a box or a jug, and you drink it from wine glasses and not mason jars or coffee mugs.  If you don’t have wine glasses, go to Goodwill or Value Village and buy two (three if you are clumsy).  I digress.

To be honest, making this pizza cost a bit more than calling Dominoes, but is less expensive than pizza from a pizza parlor.  You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble (and potentially a lot of heart ache) if you just buy a pre-made crust.  Buy one like the Boboli crusts that are pre-cooked.  Don’t buy an uncooked one because you’ll probably fuck it up.  Most of the pre-made crust are kind of spendy, maybe $7.50 for two (but they come with sauce).  I know what you’re thinking.  “Fuck that shit!  For $7.50, I could just buy a pizza from Dominoes.”  I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying that if you buy a pizza from Dominoes you’re not getting laid tonight.  If you don’t want to get laid tonight, call Dominoes now.  If you do want to get laid, keep reading.

To make this pizza, you are going to need to secure the following items:

  1. Boboli or other pre-cooked pizza crust:  Boboli also make personal sized pizzas, so if you wanted you could each make your own personal pizza.
  2. Cheese:  You can buy pre-shredded cheese if you like, but I think that pre-shredded cheese taste like shit.  Instead I like to buy a small brick of each type of cheese I want on my pizza and grate it myself.  The cheese taste much fresher this way, and it keeps pretty well in the block form if you store it properly, so you can use it again later.  On my pizza, I like to use mozzarella (I buy Cheese Head string cheese for this because it is more fun to snack on), Tillamook pepper jack cheese, and Tillamook sharp cheddar.
  3. Sauteed garlic clove, or garlic paste:  Both are cheap and last for ever, buy both if you want.
  4. Butter or olive oil.
  5. Jumbo Olives:  Don’t buy pre-sliced, slice your own and save the rest for later.
  6. Red or white onion, or both.
  7. Green Pepper:  You won’t need all of it, so freeze the rest.
  8. Jalapeno:  If you like spicy food.
  9. Pepperoni:  Spring for the more expensive option.
  10. Sauce:  Unless you bought a Boboli crust, those come with sauce.
  11. Italian sausage:  You’ll have to fry it yourself, but it is worth it.  This one is optional.

Before you get started, you’ll need to get the following items together from your kitchen (or the dollar store):

  1. Cookie sheet
  2. Aluminum foil
  3. Cheese grater
  4. Paring knife
  5. Spoon
  6. Butter knife
  7. Paper towels

Follow these steps to make the pizza:

  1. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit.  DO NOT FORGET TO DO THIS!
  2. Pour a couple of glasses of wine
  3. Rock paper scissors for who grates cheese and who slices veggies.  Better yet, you do it and let you date watch.
  4. Grate Cheese.
  5. Slice up your veggies and store the extras.  I like to slice everything small and spread it evenly, I think the pizza eats better this way
  6. Cover your cookie sheet with aluminum foil.
  7. Remove crust from package and place on cookie sheet.
  8. Butter or oil your crust and add garlic.  You can just oil the edges if you want.
  9. Add sauce.
  10. Add your cheese in an even layer over the sauce.
  11. Place your pepperoni over the cheese, don’t get too carried away unless you want to make a real gut bomb.
  12. Throw a little more cheese on top.
  13. Evenly distribute your veggies over the pepperoni and cheese.
  14. Place in oven and bake for 11-13 minutes.
  15. Enjoy.  You should lights some candles and turn the lights off while you eat.  With any luck your date or significant other will be swept of their feet and intoxicated enough to get down to business a little later on.


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